Show is Over, Shop is Closed

My goody two shoes
are kept away for good.
No more chocolate exchange,
let's talk big now!
Address the elephant on the mind.
Background dancers shall fade out;
the drama needs a non-fiction ending.
As thoughts get turned off underwater,
in clear white silence
I am ready to wait alone and watch...
Show is over.
The shop is closed.
This time, I am sorry for your loss!

:: It's been four months, trying to live without my mother’s presence. For me, the world stopped moving. But for others, it didn't. I don't even want to pretend that everything is fine. It is not and might never be. 

I miss her involvement in raising my boys. Her genuine interest in their developments, their achievements, their birthdays… Every vacation when she visited us, she used to teach them new games, tell them new stories, make new dishes. But now, it's like I need to be the mother and the grandmother --- one who is strict and the other who is loving! 

Fathers are always there for the fun and play parts but grandparents often fill up those empty spaces in the upbringing of children that parents are unable to. I did have expectations from the other remaining relations, but I don't see any extra effort in their behaviour, to bridge any emptiness that my mothers’ demise has created. A few of my closest friends from school have been there for me all this while, to hear me out and to see me melt down. I am so grateful to them.

I have my father and my sister to share this pain.  My sensitivities are reserved mostly for them.

Being in this place is not easy. I find myself becoming somebody else. My taste, my outlook, my beliefs have changed. But those around me will have to accept these changes as well. I might never be my old self again. I guess, this is another “new normal”! ::