Distanced

My life has mainly been about satisfying the urge to constantly create something new. People like me cannot live without creating regularly. Money is not the only driving force for creative pursuits. This constant battle with finding time to create is something everyone may not understand. Just going to an office and completing your hours for a pay cheque that defines your worth is far less satisfying than a freshly written poem that started out as a thought and became a long verse, a chapter sieved out from handwritten notes or an idea for the next artwork or the ‘ Eureka’ moments in designing the next product...

To maintain this balance is not an easy task. Of work that brings creative satisfaction and the work that brings good money. More often, they do not come together as a package. I could juggle these in my twenties. In my thirties, my children were the biggest priority, so I compromised my expectations from work and life in general. But now, in my forties, I am not able to compromise on things I cannot agree with.

Balance is needed more than ever before. No questions, no explanations, no validation. I need to focus on what I enjoy and derive self worth from it. Responsibilities have been taken and fulfilled for all these twenty years. Now its my time to give myself some benefit of doubt.

I am tired of explaining my side of the story, mostly to my inner self that demands this rule book! I always feel my mother would have understood all this, if only she was here. She spent her whole life justifying the same to those typical 'inside the box' people or those who have absolutely nothing else in their lives to hold onto except for their own over rated idea of a full time job.

I just feel like switching OFF and going into isolation mode. I am bored of maintaining these long distance relationships with almost everyone! I guess working from home does that to you. Also, this idea of everything being online seemed cute in COVID times, but these chat groups do not feel like a connection anymore.

There is a family group that is mostly meant for wishing people on their birthdays and on festivals. Yes, it helps keeping a connection in the simplest way possible for digital relationships. But is anyone really interested in wishing each other well these days? Or even remembering birthdays? An ‘HBD’ and a heart emoji are all that’s left. This brings longing and expectations that are left unfulfilled, because my mother would always be the first one to wish people on their birthdays with nice personalized long messages and blessings. I miss those so much...not just for me but especially for my children.

There are school-mothers groups which can become pretty stressful at times or of no use on actually important occasions.

There are school groups and college groups that came together in the pre- COVID times, through wonders of the WhatsApp. They felt amazing in those times because of how everyone from that particular batch came together through a smart phone and got to know everything about each others lives from the past ten years. But now its only for ‘forwards’ and politics.

The ones you think were genuinely interested in conversations, turns out are not after they react with just one thumbs up for something that deserves a dialogue.

Then there are extended family groups that make you feel if there is any importance left any more in sharing anything that is remotely personal ?

This digital relationships trend peaked around 2020 when sharing was what everyone did. It felt happy then. But now it doesn't.

I am finding it hard to see the whole point in maintaining these formal digital relationships with everyone. There is always something that gets lost in translation. I prefer my solitude over these kind of interactions.

I am beginning to lose interest in the concept of friendships these days. Even close-friends groups don't really feel soulful anymore.   I long for days when we used to just show up at friend’s houses unannounced and ended up having a great time. Now its always about planning the next “meet” years in advance. And when it finally happens, it doesn't feel as emotionally satisfying as I would have liked it to be!

I want a break from all long distance digital relationships. I want only real interactions. But I want real satisfaction from them as well. I don't know if this is even possible.

My mind always crawls back into that void that my mother left behind. The depression only fades. It never completely goes away. Its a knot of insecurity etched forever in the mind or heart or throat or gut or stomach...it moves around the body looking for an anchor. I don't know if I will ever stop feeling “ that feeling”, which makes me pace around the cold floors of the house, from one room to the other, looking for something, which I have never found yet...

Travel Light

When Death came
knocking at her front door…
“You’ll live a hundred years, she said,
I was just thinking about You”

Surprised, yet calm,
He replied,
Go pack your bags.
We leave soon.

I’m ready, she committed.
No excess baggage.
Home is left far behind.
I carry a fulfilled life.

No tears, regrets none.
Now there’s no looking back.
Into my last journey,
I travel LIGHT…

#fouryearssince  #rememberingourmother #alwaysinourhearts #theflowerlady #whensheleft 

The Mind Vase

How was I ever going to find
all those broken fragments 

that fell apart
from the fragile vase of my mind…

Scattered into a million shards,
Confidence and Belief
drowned deep in the ocean’s belly…
Courage got carried away
in a stormy gust through sands.

It has taken me years.
to collect all the lost parts,
and glue them back in place,
with new ways to seal the cracks.

Stitch them with gold
from the wisdom of age...
Paint some with Patience,
Hope and Dreams.

My mind is now
a rustic Kintsugi vase!
Celebrating beauty of the broken
with a golden repair…

Shining scars reveal growth
and remind me of strength from loss.
Nonetheless my heart fears,
alas, it may shatter again…

My Memory of YOU

 Its been almost 3 years since my sister and I lost our mother. But her memories just come and grip us every now and then and coincidentally, at the same time! I think, its this time of the year that the mind floods with her memories and they keep reminding us of her last days in March 2021.

I wrote this poem originally in my mother tongue, Marathi, I've also translated it into English, myself because automated translations never seem to do justice to the original works.

तुझी आठवण

वार्‍याच्या एका हलक्या लाटेबरोबर, 

मनाच्या काठावर अचानक येऊन बसते…

तुझी आठवण. 

तू असतीस तर हे म्हणाली असतीस, 

तू असतीस तर हे केलं असतं, 

याची आठवण करून देते…

तुझी आठवण. 

ओळखीच्या रस्त्यांवरून चालताना, 

एका अनोळखी वळणावर डोकावते...

संध्याकाळची रात्र होताना

काळोखाच्या चादरीवर चांदण्या वेचत राहते. 

तू लिहिलेल्या पुस्तकात तुला शोधायला निघते…

पण भेटते स्वतःलाच तुझ्या गोष्टींमध्ये!

तू असतीस तर तुलाही माझ्या कवितेत 

तुझा उल्लेख सापडला असता!

आणि अशीच पुन्हा एकदा कागदाच्या सुगंधात 

अचानक एका ओळीवर थांबून

हळूच हाक मारते…

तुझी आठवण!

- नताशा बेडेकर

My memory of YOU

Drifting with a wave of the breeze,

she sits unknowingly

on the edge of the mind —

my memory of YOU.

She reminds me

of what you would have said…

what we could have done together, 

if only you were here…

Walking down familiar roads,

she peeps from behind an unfamiliar bend.

As the evening turns older and wiser,

she plucks stars from

the night’s dark blanket.

I set out to find you,

through your book,

but end up finding myself

in the stories you've written.

How I wish you could have found yourself

in the lines of my poems…

if only you were here…

And then once again,

in the fragrance of timeworn diary pages,

suddenly she pauses upon a sentence,

and calls out to me…

my memory of YOU.

:: Rajgad, Pune (2017) :: 

Mother's Recipe #9

Home Baked Biscuits

For my older son, back when he was four, his grandmother(my mother) was no less than Mary Poppins or Fraulein Maria from the Sound of Music, who used to carry a magical bag full of limitless possibilities, when she came to spend the summer vacations with us in Abu Dhabi. She baked these with my son, as a summer activity suggested by the nursery, back in those days. She would knead the dough with magical expertise, opening the doors towards baking for me, erasing all my starting troubles. I made these using finger millet flour along with the traditional whole wheat flour. I used jaggery and some olive oil to balance the sugar and butter respectively. A pinch of cocoa powder to finger millet flour gives the cookies an irresistible dark chocolate colour for the MUD part  in the cookies!

Ingredients : (Amounts are given from experience and intuition ;)

• Whole Wheat Flour  - 1/2 bowl

• Ragi flour (finger millet) - 1 and 1/2 bowls

• Butter - 1/4 slab

• Olive oil - 3 tablespoons

• Jaggery - 1/2 bowl

• Cinnamon (powdered) - 1/2 teaspoon

• Vanilla essence - 1/4 teaspoon

• Baking powder - 1/2 teaspoon

• Soda bicarb - 1/2 teaspoon

• Cocoa powder - 1 teaspoon

• Mixed nuts (powdered) - 2 to 4 teaspoons

• Warm milk/ warm water - as needed to knead the dough.

Freestyle Method : 

1. Mix the flours, baking powder, soda bicarb and cocoa to a large mixing bowl.

2. Add jaggery, cinnamon, nuts and vanilla essence.

3. Add butter chunks and olive oil.

4. Knead roughly until the butter chunks melt.

5. Add warm water or warm milk and knead firmly into a ball.

6. Refrigerate for a few hours to let the dough rest.

7. Roll into sheets of roughly 5mm thickness 

8. Cut to any size and shape. If you do not have a cookie cutter, use the lid of any jar to cut perfect circular shapes.

9. Use a fork to make patterns if you wish. 

10. Preheat the oven for 2 minutes at 230 degrees. Then bake for 20 minutes at 230 degrees.

11. Let them cool down to get the golden crunchy bite!

#mothersrecipes #handcraftedwithlove #homebakedcookies #grandmumslove 

:: Mud Cookies ;) ::

:: Finished in minutes! ::

:: 3rd batch was perfectly golden :: 

Amaira, the Little Woman

The sky is pink… inviting HER to fly!

AMAIRA, the little woman, my second poetry book, has been released in this world today, on 31st of July, 2023. NOW is her time!

Gracefully elegant on the outside but quietly strong on the inside,

Amaira is hidden somewhere in all of us, waiting to shine!

Amaira is the little girl who wants to become a woman.

She’s the young woman, who discovers the mother in herself.

Amaira is a strong independent mother, who lets herself be the little girl within…

I’m sure you all know someone who's just like Amaira!

Gift her this book and let her know she’s SPECIAL.

If your DAUGHTER is a dreamer like Amaira, give her this book. 

Let her explore the beauty of womanhood that awaits her.

Gift this book to your MOTHER who has always carried the strong shades of womanhood.

To your SISTER and to your WIFE, who might have a blooming Amaira in the womb.

Let your SON, your FATHER , your HUSBAND read it too...

for they need to understand a woman's mysterious side!

This book is for all those who wish to take a peek into a woman’s creative mind…

If your thoughts resonate with Amaira’s, this book is for YOU!

Gift it to YOURSELF.

Come celebrate this exciting journey through all the wonderful forms of womanhood, finding inner wings of transformation.

ORDER NOW! 

https://austinmacauley.ae/books/amaira-little-woman/

Also available on international online platforms for a global audience!

:: Amazon.ae (UAE & GCC)
:: Sanad Books (UAE & GCC)
:: Amazon.in  (India)
:: Amazon.ca (Canada)
:: Amazon.com (International)
:: Barnes & Noble (International)
:: Blackwell’s (International)
:: Booktopia (Australia)
:: Booksamillion.com (International)
:: Strand Books (International)
:: Kobo (E-book)

*All Poems, Illustrations, Drawings, Artwork, Cover Design and selected Photographs in this book are by Natasha Nair (Copyright © Natasha Nair 2023.)

Photographs of Natasha Nair and two brilliant Paintings inside the book are by my husband Krishna Nair.

Mother's Recipe #6

:: Mixed Vegetable Cutlets ::

Mother's Recipe #5

Tomato Saar

As a child, I remember being confused between tomato “Soup” and tomato “Saar”. I always wanted to have a thick creamy cheesy tomato soup but my mother used to make a thin spicy tangy tomato drink , with flavours of garlic and coconut, which I later came to know as “tomato saar”. I realised recently, its consistency is similar to rasam, but without the dal water and rasam masala. Must admit, this time I liked the Saar more than the soup!

Ingredients :

• Tomatoes - 4 - medium sized
• Grated coconut - ½ cup
• Garlic cloves - 3-4
• Dry red chilies - 3-4
• Curry Leaves - 5-6
• Mustard seeds - 1/2 teaspoon
• Cumin seeds -1/2 teaspoon
• Asafoetida - 1/4 teaspoon
• Dry mango powder - 1/4 teaspoon
• Oil
• Salt

Freestyle Method :

1. Blanch four medium sized tomatoes for 10 minutes in boiling water. Keep aside in cold water for a while and peel off the skin.
2. Let them cool down. Then blend them into a smooth puree.
3. Grind the grated coconut, 3 red chilies, cumin seeds and garlic in a separate blender jar.
4. In a pan, heat some oil for tempering. Add mustard seeds, then one dry red chilly, asafoetida and curry leaves and wait for it to sizzle and crackle.
5. Add the coconut chili garlic paste to the pan. Sauté until the garlic loses its rawness.
6. Add the tomato puree and some leftover water from the blanching of the tomatoes to let it simmer for a few minutes. Season with salt and dry mango powder. If required, pour through a sieve to get a smooth thin shiny consistency.
7. Garnish with fresh coriander.

Tomato Saar can be eaten with rice as a light meal. In that case, the sieving process can be skipped. But I prefer to have it as a warm but fresh summer drink just like rasam, giving a subtle sour spiced satisfaction!

Mother's Recipe #4

Sheer Khurma/ 

Shevaya Kheer/ 

Semiya Payasam 

(Vermicelli Pudding)

This month, I thought of trying another simple dish, my mother used to make often on festive days - Shevaya Kheer. With the flavour of Vishu lingering from the week before, I thought why not Semiya Payasam! But then because of the Eid context last week, I finalized my plan on making Sheer Khurma.

These three dishes are pretty much the same thing, just with different consistencies of milk. While Sheer Khurma has a thick rich and creamy form, Shevaya Kheer has slightly more but thinner milk and Semiya Payasam has a lot more milk giving it a pourable consistency. Ingredients are all the same. Just a dash of the local cultural touch makes the difference.

In fact I remember my mother saying, “Lets make Sheer Khurma” for that one Eid holiday we used to get back when I was in India. She used to tell me that it's just a thicker version of the Shevaya Kheer, but sounds a lot more “royal”! Hence it seemed perfect for Eid-Ul-Fitr.

Ingredients :

• Milk - 1 litre (thick, full fat)
• Vermicelli/ Semiya - 1 cup
• Dates - 3-4
• Nuts (Almonds and Cashews) - 5-6 each
• Raisins - a handful
• Cardamom - 3
• Sugar/ Jaggery - about 2 tablespoons
• Ghee - 2-3 teaspoons
• Rose water - ½ teaspoon

Freestyle Method :

• On a hot pan, roast the dates and raisins with ghee and keep aside when aromatic and marinated.
• In the same pan, roast the vermicelli, crushed cardamom and finely chopped nuts until golden brown.
• Add milk + the dates and raisins mixture to the same pan.
• Let the vermicelli cook in the boiling milk. Keep stirring so that the vermicelli does not stick to the bottom of the pan. Let the milk thicken.
• Add sugar/ jaggery and rose water. Continue stirring.
• Turn off the heat when the vermicelli looks thick and wormy and the raisins are juicy and plump.
• Let it cool and garnish with more nuts.
• When warm, it can be eaten as breakfast and when cold, it can be served for dessert.

Of course, a themed plating is a must! After watching too many episodes of my favourite MasterChef Australia, I keep serving those fancy plates of food, telling my family about how I'm more into “Sophisticated Flavours” ;)

But secretly, later on, I added a lot more milk and more sugar to the Sheer Khurma and served it as Payasam to my very very sweet “payasam people” from the south ;)

Mother's Recipe #3

Egg Fried Rice

This recipe is not a trial but a pure dedication. I have made this dish about a thousand times till date…probably once a week for the past twenty years for myself and for my boys! This is the simplest recipe, but this one deserves the first place in my heart. This is the first dish my mother actually taught me, the first that I made as a teenager. This is a survival dish for those super hungry times, in the middle of school projects, vacations, architectural submissions and of course has been my '5 am bento box saviour recipe' for years!

I am sure all my best friends from school must be remembering my mother’s famous egg fried rice in my steel tiffin box. My vegetarian friend, who secretly started eating eggs, was because of this egg fried rice!!!

Even my children’s friends have begun to love it, sharing it from their lunch boxes. My only regret remains, that because of his egg allergy, my husband has never got to taste this recipe. I always tell him, one day, the aroma of my egg recipes will help him get rid of his allergy!

Ingredients : (Serves two extra hungry children)

• 2 -3 Eggs
• ½ Onion
• Cumin seeds/ Cumin powder - 1/2 teaspoon (Personally I like cumin seeds more than powder. But for some finicky boys, I add the powder, because they have some complaints about jeera rice, that “the seeds keep coming in the way of each tasty bite!” )
• Curry leaves - 6-7 (Better if freshly picked from the garden)
• Green chilly - 1
• Turmeric powder - ¼ teaspoon
• Ghee - 1 teaspoon
• Oil (groundnut/ olive/ sunflower) - 1 teaspoon
• Cooked Rice - 2 bowls (leftover rice works perfectly)
• Goda masala (Indian spice mix - optional)
• Fresh coriander for garnish
• Juice of ½ a lemon.
• Salt
• Black Pepper

Freestyle Method :

• Heat the oil in the pan. Add curry leaves, cumin seeds and green chilly. Let them dance in the oil. Add sliced onion. Let him join in the oiled dance until tired and transparent ;)
• Add cumin powder (if you're not using cumin seeds) and turmeric powder. Toss until uniformly coated on the onion.
• Break two eggs. Let them settle for a while and then toss them into a scrambled form. Wait until the eggs are cooked perfectly.
• Add cooked rice and mix. Add ghee, salt, pepper.
• Add that magical touch of the goda masala spice mix and let its aroma get infused with each grain of the rice.                                                                                                                       *Every year, my mother used to give me a jar of her special homemade goda masala mix. It adds that magical touch to absolutely any dish. I have only about a quarter jar of that masala still left with me. I am using it sparingly, as I have never found that exact mix in any shop even in India. It was her special secret recipe, which I have been trying to crack. Somewhere deep inside, I'm scared, what'll happen if that spice jar gets over? It's the last of my mother’s creations that I am holding onto like a child. That masala has pushed me into trying new dishes. I hope I can recreate the magic of that jar one day!
• Garnish the rice with the juice of ½ a lemon and some freshly chopped coriander. No dish is complete without this lemon-coriander duo!
• Fill it in the bento box/ tiffin box after letting the steam settle. Otherwise eat it up right away ;)

Cooking Time - less than 10 minutes (Rice should be cooked beforehand and cooled)

#mothersrecipe3  #eggfriedrice  #bentoboxrecipes  #tiffinbox 

Mother's Recipe #1

Cilantro Bites

My mother would have been 65 today. To continue a celebration of her heavenly birthdays here on earth, today I open the chapter to my mother's recipes to be tried out this year.

My sister and I often talk about what we miss the most from our mother. It’s the food she cooked so effortlessly! As a little girl, I used to sit in my mother’s lap and take a close look at her hands. Her hands always told me stories of garlic and coriander! Her fingers had some magic…of knowing how much of any ingredient goes into a recipe. She never followed any recipe books or cooking shows. Whatever she cooked used to be something learnt from her mother and later from my great grandmother, with a touch of her own innovation.

I used to help her in the kitchen. She would say, “Let me do my quick freestyle cooking. You can finish the dish with your artistic plating.” We made a great team!

I want to keep her legacy alive, to seek her blessings in what I do and to pass on her recipes to the next generation, so that my boys continue to remember her through food. Hence as a part of my new year resolutions, I have decided to recreate twelve of my mother’s simple recipes, one for each month.

I begin this month with one of her favourites and mine - “Cilantro Bites" or "Kothimbir Wadi”. This is a savoury snack made with coriander/cilantro, gram flour and sesame seeds. The hero ingredient here is coriander, which is generally used  as a garnish in most dishes.

Ingredients: (Amounts are from experience and intuition :)

• Coriander – 1 full fresh bunch
• Gram flour - 2-3 tablespoons per batch
• Ginger - one blob
• Garlic - 4-5 cloves
• Peanuts - a handful
• Green chilly - 2 maybe
• Sesame seeds - 2 teaspoons
• Turmeric - 1/2 teaspoon
• Coriander powder - 1/2 teaspoon
• Asafetida - 1/4 teaspoon
• Salt - less is more!

Freestyle method :

• Wash the fresh coriander under running water and chop it finely. Avoid thick stems.
• Mix sieved gram flour and water to form a smooth batter of dosa consistency and add the chopped coriander to it.
• Roast the peanuts and sesame seeds separately on a dry pan on the side.
• Grind a mixture of ginger, garlic, green chilly and the roasted peanuts.
• Add the mixture to the batter along with coriander powder, turmeric, asafetida and the roasted sesame seeds.
• Mix well to an uttappam consistency.
• Steam it on a double boiler for about 20minutes.
• Allow the coriander “cake” to cool.
• Cut into bite sized squares. Alternatively, it can be rolled into cylinders for steaming and then cut into round pieces.
• Pan fry until golden brown.
• Optionally, season with curry leaves, grated coconut.
• Keep one batch aside for that neat 'MasterChef- style plating' and the perfect Instagram shot.
• Allow the other batch to be gobbled up in minutes by the boys!

:: Cilantro Bites ::

A Home without Her

Sniffing for hints of her fragrance,
holding on to the coarse blanket,
on that sobbing monsoon night
I lay alone on the creaking bed,
that dreams no more…

Peeling paint flakes on cobwebbed ceilings
carry a frozen time frame forever.
Life has silently tiptoed ­
out of the door,
leaving behind the dust of memories.
They line up like red ants
one after the other waiting to prick
the soft inner parts of me,
that haven’t rehearsed to harden up yet.

I hear the pink Champa flowers,
awake at dawn, as they fall noiselessly
on the lonely balcony floor.
Hoping to be handpicked,
arranged with love,
I keep them in a vase
to accompany the weeping window.

On cold stone-hearted backyard steps,
as I sip on warm coffee from her old mug,
my childhood home in its past glory
calls me out to play once more.
I go there, with a silent promise…
to be back again
and again...

for the little that's left behind...

:: However hard it may be to confront my childhood home where my mother lives no more, my sister and I will keep visiting the place for everything that is left behind. Our home needs us now, more than ever before! ::