Distanced

Every time I talk to them, I find myself mostly giving explanations about my life choices, my life decisions , my work situation, my outlook towards life and so on. Why do I need to give any explanations to anyone? I have always felt, no one actually gets what I am trying to say. I need someone to pick out the meaning from the stories and justifications I keep ruminating on.

My life has mainly been about satisfying the urge to constantly create something new. Some people like me cannot live without creating regularly. Money is not the only driving force for creative pursuits. This constant battle with finding time to create is something everyone may not understand. Just going to an office and completing your 9 to 5 for a pay cheque that defines your worth is far less satisfying than a freshly written poem that started out as a thought and became a long verse, a chapter sieved out from handwritten notes or an idea for the next artwork or the ‘ Eureka’ moments in designing the next product...

To maintain this balance is not an easy task. Of work that brings creative satisfaction and the work that brings good money. More often, they do not come together as a package. I could juggle these in my twenties. In my thirties, my children were the biggest priority, so I compromised my expectations from work and life in general. But now, in my forties, I am not able to compromise on things I cannot agree with.

Balance is needed more than ever before. No questions, no explanations, no validation. I need to focus on what I enjoy and derive self worth from it. Responsibilities have been taken and fulfilled for all these twenty years. Now its my time to give myself some benefit of doubt.

I am tired of explaining my side of the story. I don't really owe an explanation to anyone. Its probably my inner self that demands this rule book! I always feel my mother would have understood all this , if only she was here. She spent her whole life explaining the same to those typical 9 to 5 people or those who have absolutely nothing else in their lives to hold onto except for their own over rated idea of a full time job.

I just feel like switching OFF and going into isolation mode. I am tired of maintaining these long distance relationships with almost everyone! I guess working from home does that to you. Also, this idea of everything being online seemed cute in COVID times, but these chat groups do not feel like a connection anymore.

There is a family group that is mostly meant for wishing people on their birthdays and on festivals. Yes, it helps keeping a connection in the simplest way possible for digital relationships. But is anyone really interested in wishing each other well these days? Or even remembering birthdays? An ‘HBD’ and a heart emoji are all that’s left. This brings longing and expectations that are left unfulfilled, because my mother would always be the first one to wish people on their birthdays with nice personalized long messages and blessings. I miss those so much...not just for me but especially for my children.

There are school-mothers groups which can become pretty stressful at times or of no use on actually important occasions.

There are school groups and college groups that came together in the pre- COVID times, through wonders of the WhatsApp. They felt amazing in those times because of how everyone from that particular batch came together through a smart phone and got to know everything about each others lives from the past ten years. But now its only for ‘forwards’ and politics.

The ones you think were genuinely interested in conversations, turns out are not after they react with just one thumbs up for something that deserves a dialogue.

Then there are extended family groups that make you feel if there is any importance left any more in sharing anything that is remotely personal ?

This digital relationships trend peaked around 2020 when sharing was what everyone did. It felt happy then. But now it doesn't.

I am finding it hard to see the whole point in maintaining these formal digital relationships with everyone. There is always something that gets lost in translation. I prefer my solitude over these kind of interactions.

I am beginning to lose interest in the concept of friendships these days. Even close-friends groups don't really feel soulful anymore.   I long for days when we used to just show up at friend’s houses unannounced and ended up having a great time. Now its always about planning the next “meet” years in advance. And when it finally happens, it doesn't feel as emotionally satisfying as I would have liked it to be!

I want a break from all long distance digital relationships. I want only real interactions. But I want real satisfaction from them as well. I don't know if this is even possible.

My mind always crawls back into that void that my mother left behind. The depression only fades. It never completely goes away. Its a knot of insecurity etched forever in the mind or heart or throat or gut or stomach...it moves around the body looking for an anchor. I don't know if I will ever stop feeling “ that feeling”, which makes me pace around the cold floors of the house, from one room to the other, looking for something, which I never have found yet...

Past Phew Months

If someone had told us last year that the grade 10 board exams were going to be cancelled next year because of the War, we would have laughed! But here we are now, actually been through that situation! It's true. Sometimes what we worry about never really happens. And what we never even think about even in our wildest dreams, may actually happen!

After several weeks of cancelling, rescheduling, postponing and being on hold half-way through, the exams are finally done! These mock exams were treated as the final exams this year and the scores from these exams will be the final result. Fair enough.

In the earlier months of alarms and apprehension, I can’t imagine how these fifteen year olds must have felt! After much ado about the importance of these exams, the real deal happened in a much different setting. Many years later , these gen Z people would be telling the younger lot about the exam fiasco in “ their time” due to war, similar to how our grandparents talk about Independence and Partition or how our parents talk about floods and earthquakes of their time!

I definitely brag about having written my second book through COVID days and having started on my third through the uncertain war times!

The past “phew” months have tested most of us to the highest points of tolerance and patience, being on stand-by mode for the longest periods of time. As if being a parent to teens was not enough. However, the homeschooling bit this time was much easier to navigate than the COVID times. But exams are something my mind is accustomed to stress about.

During my tenth grade board exams, I used to ask my mother if I had studied well. She would just say without much thought but with a reassuring smile, “Yes, you have studied very hard and I am sure you will do well in your exams.”. Honestly, that statement was like a quick recharge for my mind. It's just about our mother being there for us when we need her around.

That’s exactly what I have tried to be for my older son this year. I will not take any credit from him about planning his study schedules. He has done it well and been quite sincere throughout this academic year. I have only been there to eavesdrop on some of those “late night online study meets” to check if it was really about the studies or some blue pill red pill purple pill discussions ;)

I have been there for that quick break of basketball on the terrace, one v one or two v one, when I kept telling the boys how our girls team used to lose terribly at the inter school basketball matches and they exchanged smiles, refusing to believe that their mother was on the inter school basketball team!

I’ve been there for those loving hummus and zaatar sandwiches and oats with fruit, accompanied by my motherly pep talk. For the fun of wall tennis on windy evenings, avoiding hitting too hard or else the ball will keep going into the neighbour’s garden. Or to become the bowler, when one is batting and the fielder when both of them are fighting over who gets to bat... and so on.

On the side, I have been doing some freelance landscape work, done lots of writing and art. On all the important milestones, I have tried my best to keep myself available for my children just like my mother used to.

The graduation celebration was a great success. It's a 'proud parent' feeling to watch our almost 16year old son walk in the graduation gown to collect his certificate. 

My much fancied double graduation(grade 10 for Ary and grade 5 for Aby) finally happened this year! We had missed one such opportunity back in 2021 when everything was online. But this is just the beginning. An important milestone, amongst many more to come.

Finally, since the exams and celebrations are over, we definitely need to take “phew” breaks this summer to recharge from the past few months! Phew!

Dear Arhaant,

Happy 16th Birthday! This is the first year when there are no exams on your birthday! The football season is here, like it is every four years around your birthday. Watching a football game with friends would be an ideal celebration! Keep swimming, drawing , playing whichever sport that is your favourite this year! Please don't overdo the weights! Yoga is equally important. Everything else after 18 ;)

And...most important - If you have to choose between being right and being kind, choose kind. (I know you want to choose right ;)

The IKEA style carrot cinnamon cake is on my to do list. Of course, mine will have ragi flour and lots of other healthy things you may not want ;)

Amma 

:: Arhaant at 16 :: 

:: Yr 11 Graduation ::

 

Womb Woes

Her wailing womb waits
for repeating routines to fade.
As does the weary woman,
her endless duties, unmade.

Of aching and bleeding,
shedding and rebuilding,
she revisits with earnest eyes,
spells of internal rewilding.

Scars of the nine months,
she remembers yet again.

For unknown last few times,
numbed tears overflow in vain...

Wind whistles his way up
through loosened cracks and folds.
to hum hieroglyphics of tiny beings, 
the sacred cave still holds!

For someone who has been
profoundly deep and full,
difficult it is to accept
becoming void and null.

Empty and refill
has been whose rhythm,
being consecutively vacant,
is an out-of-character algorithm!

O woe is her weeping womb
in fear, who rests her case,
of being made redundant
in her own body's workplace...

#perimenopause #menopauseanxiety  #beingwoman #wombwoes

:: Looking at yourself from inside the womb! ::