Eleven on Ten

(For Abhiir at 10-11)

Last year for Christmas, we wanted to play ‘ Secret Santa’ within the family especially to teach everyone to think about what the other person may actually like to receive as a gift and not just to think about what they want as their own gift!

We decided on a fair maximum amount of AED 60 for everyone, so that its neither too less, nor too much for the kids to handle. The game was mainly to see how much does one really know their family member? About likes and dislikes, colour preferences and so on.

We rolled the chits and got the name of the member we were supposed to buy the gift for. We went together on the holiday of December 25th to a mall. We decided to disperse, shop and meet again in the atrium in next one hour, with the gifts , and then to have lunch together.

This time Abhiir, my gen alpha boy, had got my name on the chit he picked. He insisted on going to the shop of his choice alone to pick the gift. We were all in the same mall on the same floor , so we allowed him.

Now getting a gift for your mother is the most difficult one for a ten year old boy. He asked AI for ideas! Obviously. AI suggested jewellery, flowers, perfume. So now the challenge of getting all that in AED 60 was the big one.

He did an online research (the night before) and looked for how to fit jewellery and perfume in that amount. He noted the suggestions down(on a piece of notebook paper in neat handwriting :) and carried some change from his coin purse, so as not to fall short of a few dirhams to not be able to pick the right gift!

I am sure AI asked him , what theme may your mother like? I am sure he said floral.

So he shortlisted a pair of floral earrings and a pendant set and an orchid perfume, from the suggested shop, that would fit in the given budget. He showed his neat notes to the kind lady at the shop and she helped him find the things and gift-wrapped them for him. The man with a mission was on his way out from the shop, where he met the older brother, Arhaant , who asked him what he had got for Amma.

The 15 year old said, of course Amma has a very specific taste in jewellery and she may not like the gift. But our Gen Alpha hero did not get dejected. He was very confident about his choice and his approach towards shortlisting the right gift for his mother. He said, I am sure she will like it!

We met in the atrium. Abhiir had a big toothy grin. He gave me the gift. I opened it. Arhaant kept saying, I bet, She wont like it...

But when I saw the handwritten notes about the floral earrings set and the orchid perfume, I couldnt hold back my tears! Abhiir had actually treated this exercise like a school project. He said, because of Amaira and her red hibiscus, he was absolutely sure I would like something floral. Arhaant kept saying, Amma never wears such earrings. But I said, this time Amma will wear these earrings! If they are handpicked with love, so carefully, systematically by her ten year old son, who did so much research and hard work for the gift, how could any Amma not like it!

I wore the earrings, the pendant and the perfume for Abhiir’s yr6 graduation to honour not just the gift, but his confidence on his choice and the effort he took in selecting the gift. I still have that handwritten note describing the brand name of the floral earrings set and the orchid perfume. It was four dirhams more than the decided amount, for which he had carried the coins! I will always keep the note and remember this incident with a proud teary smile.

I do believe, the kids of this generation know how to use technology much better than us millennials!

Later, I asked Arhaant what he would have got for me, if my name had been on his chit?

He said, I know you are very selective in your taste. Its not easy to find something that you will definitely like. So I would have brought real flowers - a bouquet of red and white roses or lilies and dark chocolate, all to fit perfectly in that budget. Nothing can go wrong there. I smiled to myself. He does know me too well...

But still, sometimes something offbeat, done with maximum love and belief may just bend all the rules for the mother within...

Now I understand when they say, its the process that’s more important than the end product. 

Dear Abhiir, 

I will never forget your sweet, meticulous gesture at the age of ten. Eleven on ten for that!

:: Gift and the handwritten note :: 

:: I wore it at the graduation!::

Valley Tunes

Under the cool shade
of pomegranate trees,
life drifts sluggishly,
tugging a sunlit afternoon.

I love the patterns,
leaves draw upon my skin.
Of coffee-coloured watermarks,
stippled by the breeze.

My ruled open diary
is ready to be filled,
with unlimited unruly poems
of dramatized daily musings.

Birdsong garnished
with the buzz of bees,
rebounds in a distant echo
from the dust green vale,
where a lazy town sits tucked in.

Mountain trails take me along…
nowhere but just here,
to dwell in this fluttering symphony
of a thousand valley tunes.

:: I found this poem scribbled in my diary on one sun filled mountain-top afternoon in the pomegranate orchard at Al Hamra, Oman, during our Eid break .

Sometimes it feels like life is going nowhere in particular. That's when we need feel-good poems to envelope us in a safe loving dreamy embrace.  Things will unfold in their own time. Have faith in yourself...Until then, enjoy the summer!

:: Pomegranate Orchard ::

:: Handwritten draft of the poem :: 

Distanced

My life has mainly been about satisfying the urge to constantly create something new. People like me cannot live without creating regularly. Money is not the only driving force for creative pursuits. This constant battle with finding time to create is something everyone may not understand. Just going to an office and completing your hours for a pay cheque that defines your worth is far less satisfying than a freshly written poem that started out as a thought and became a long verse, a chapter sieved out from handwritten notes or an idea for the next artwork or the ‘ Eureka’ moments in designing the next product...

To maintain this balance is not an easy task. Of work that brings creative satisfaction and the work that brings good money. More often, they do not come together as a package. I could juggle these in my twenties. In my thirties, my children were the biggest priority, so I compromised my expectations from work and life in general. But now, in my forties, I am not able to compromise on things I cannot agree with.

Balance is needed more than ever before. No questions, no explanations, no validation. I need to focus on what I enjoy and derive self worth from it. Responsibilities have been taken and fulfilled for all these twenty years. Now its my time to give myself some benefit of doubt.

I am tired of explaining my side of the story, mostly to my inner self that demands this rule book! I always feel my mother would have understood all this, if only she was here. She spent her whole life justifying the same to those typical 'inside the box' people or those who have absolutely nothing else in their lives to hold onto except for their own over rated idea of a full time job.

I just feel like switching OFF and going into isolation mode. I am bored of maintaining these long distance relationships with almost everyone! I guess working from home does that to you. Also, this idea of everything being online seemed cute in COVID times, but these chat groups do not feel like a connection anymore.

There is a family group that is mostly meant for wishing people on their birthdays and on festivals. Yes, it helps keeping a connection in the simplest way possible for digital relationships. But is anyone really interested in wishing each other well these days? Or even remembering birthdays? An ‘HBD’ and a heart emoji are all that’s left. This brings longing and expectations that are left unfulfilled, because my mother would always be the first one to wish people on their birthdays with nice personalized long messages and blessings. I miss those so much...not just for me but especially for my children.

There are school-mothers groups which can become pretty stressful at times or of no use on actually important occasions.

There are school groups and college groups that came together in the pre- COVID times, through wonders of the WhatsApp. They felt amazing in those times because of how everyone from that particular batch came together through a smart phone and got to know everything about each others lives from the past ten years. But now its only for ‘forwards’ and politics.

The ones you think were genuinely interested in conversations, turns out are not after they react with just one thumbs up for something that deserves a dialogue.

Then there are extended family groups that make you feel if there is any importance left any more in sharing anything that is remotely personal ?

This digital relationships trend peaked around 2020 when sharing was what everyone did. It felt happy then. But now it doesn't.

I am finding it hard to see the whole point in maintaining these formal digital relationships with everyone. There is always something that gets lost in translation. I prefer my solitude over these kind of interactions.

I am beginning to lose interest in the concept of friendships these days. Even close-friends groups don't really feel soulful anymore.   I long for days when we used to just show up at friend’s houses unannounced and ended up having a great time. Now its always about planning the next “meet” years in advance. And when it finally happens, it doesn't feel as emotionally satisfying as I would have liked it to be!

I want a break from all long distance digital relationships. I want only real interactions. But I want real satisfaction from them as well. I don't know if this is even possible.

My mind always crawls back into that void that my mother left behind. The depression only fades. It never completely goes away. Its a knot of insecurity etched forever in the mind or heart or throat or gut or stomach...it moves around the body looking for an anchor. I don't know if I will ever stop feeling “ that feeling”, which makes me pace around the cold floors of the house, from one room to the other, looking for something, which I have never found yet...