Lost and Found

It’s been one year. We have managed to survive without her. I don’t know how. Nietzsche’s quote has helped me continue living --- “ He who has a WHY to live can bear almost any HOW.” I am also finding some potions of lifeforce from the teachings of The GITA. I had decided to read the deeper version, but I came across a simpler version of “The Gita for children” by Roopa Pai which I started reading to pass it on to the boys but ended up being engrossed in it myself. Another book called “Journey of Souls” by Michael Newton has helped me have a different perspective towards a soul’s journey into afterlife.

However, when we lost Her, I found that many other elements went missing from my life ---

Hope, ambition, self-confidence, a sense of emotional security and mental support. There was a bitter aftertaste to my thought process.

I was apprehensive about taking up any new challenge, thinking I will break down NOW, at this very moment. And then it will all be over once and for all and the tap of emotions will dry out after pouring everything out. I find it surprising how I have been holding up all these days. I should have broken down long back. But I haven’t. So, I find myself anxious about encountering the breakdown that was supposed to happen but hasn’t happened yet.

My mind tries to avoid taking up difficult challenges. It prefers to give those to my body. My body has already been grieving more every passing month and then standing up again, ready to face the next catharsis. At least with the body, you know when it’s over. With the mind, you do not know what’s yet to come. Knowing myself all these years, I am still not convinced that I have fully accepted the reality.

But last month, something incredible happened that gave me a hint that someone is looking out for me and my family. My cat Rumi was casually cat walking on the thin railing of the parapet wall, like she used to many times. We had been careful, but it was one of those unlucky moments that she slipped and fell five floors down from our old penthouse!!! I still recall my wild heartbeat when I rushed downstairs frantically, imagining carrying a blood-bathed cat with multiple fractures. However, she fell on a parked car, and miraculously, got only a tiny bruise on her chin!!! She was walking normally. I picked her up and got her home. She was shivering and slept for hours to recover from the trauma.

I had a major meltdown. So did my boys. We had almost lost another of our most loved family member!!!

I feel I am carrying a debt from the Creator for keeping Rumi safe. He knows we have poured in all that love in our hearts that had no place to go, into Rumi. The debt continues for not allowing my mental balance slip away completely. For giving me many good things in life after she left. In fact, I feel she is putting in a good word for me and my sister so that we get the things she thought we always deserved…

Nevertheless, I am scared… Scared of the upcoming breakdown that did not happen when it was supposed to…I am afraid of how well I behave with people, continuing the small talk, mostly not snapping at every loose comment…I don't know myself anymore!

Maybe this is who I have become now. Perhaps SHE is helping me become this way. For when I am sad, some random old Hindi film song just pops into my head from nowhere. I go and search for it, listen to it and feel happy. Her soul makes me do certain things that I wouldn’t have otherwise done… I realize SHE wants to relive some of her joys from everyday life through me…